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Profile Dogbytes
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Message 19868 - Posted: 7 Jul 2006, 7:05:38 UTC

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple
are involved
in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves
sitting outside
the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process
them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they
possibly get
married in Heaven?

When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter
says, "I don't
know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me
go find out",
and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months
passed and the
couple are still waiting. As they waited, they
discussed that IF
they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was
the eternal
aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they
wondered, "Are we
stuck together FOREVER?"

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns,
looking
somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple,
"you CAN get
married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just
wondering, what if
things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in
Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard
onto the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three
months to find a
priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll
take me to find

a LAWYER!

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Message 19873 - Posted: 7 Jul 2006, 8:03:16 UTC
Last modified: 7 Jul 2006, 8:03:55 UTC

The Chief Rabbi from Boston was an avid golf player. As
it turned to be, the weather had been terrible for
weeks on end. Then, one Saturday, the sun was shining.
The Rabbi had incidentally delegated all his duties
for that day to his subordinates. So he actually
had a day off and might have gone to play, but it was
Saturday and he was prohibited to do so.

Then it came to his mind that it was a jewish golf club
after all, so nobody would be on the course today. He
took a taxi into a little forest near the course, climbed
the fence and heaved his gear over it. Then he went to the
first tee, laid down his ball and swung.

A cracking rumble from above stopped him. A voice called
him:"What do you think you are doing there?" - "Ahmm...
let's see.... play golf?" - "In violation of my commandment?"
- "Oh, well, yes, looks like it... wouldn't be much use to
put down the club right now?" - "No, I'm going to punish
you anyway."

The Rabbi decided that, given that, it was all the same,
swung with verve and - scored a hole in one. He frisked
up and down the course, happy that he just scored his first
hole in one. Then he turned upwards and said: "Punish me? Hah!
What a fine punishment! Hole in one! That's not punishment." -
"It isn't? Well then, why don't you just go ahead right now
and tell all your friends...?"
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Message 19877 - Posted: 7 Jul 2006, 10:10:32 UTC


10 Ways to Annoy a Telemarketer

10. When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked
because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my
arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."

9. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name.
Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located.
Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as
long as necessary.

8. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy,
how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of
pause as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan,
reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends ... would
you be my friend?"

6. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and
you could sure use some money.

5. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could
bring you a case of beer and some chips

4. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When
they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit
card number to a complete stranger.

3. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will
give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the
telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I
guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer
will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!" Say good by - and Hang up.

2. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on
Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your mom?"

And first and foremost:

1. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.


But Hey! Try 'em all out!


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Message 19901 - Posted: 7 Jul 2006, 19:22:16 UTC
Last modified: 7 Jul 2006, 19:49:09 UTC

Supposedly (per LaughLab international competition) the two most popular jokes:

http://www.laughlab.co.uk/winner.html

#1
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?"

---

#2
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
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Message 19902 - Posted: 7 Jul 2006, 19:26:17 UTC
Last modified: 7 Jul 2006, 19:47:56 UTC

Stockmarket joke

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, stockbroker, of Noo Yawk City."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the stockbroker, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

The stockbroker goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a stockbroker-- he gets a silken robe and golden staff but I, a minister, only get a cotton robe and wooden staff? How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; his clients, they prayed."
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Message 19904 - Posted: 7 Jul 2006, 20:21:09 UTC

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind.

The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers don't react, thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start revving and the airplane starts moving.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly down the runway and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!"



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Message 19921 - Posted: 8 Jul 2006, 10:19:37 UTC


Q. How many perverts does it take to put in a lightbulb?

A: Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out.

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Message 19958 - Posted: 9 Jul 2006, 17:10:20 UTC

A husband and wife, out enjoying a round of golf, were about to tee off on the third hole, which was lined with beautiful homes. The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice - her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window. Much to her surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces.

They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what happened. When they peeked inside the house, they found no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a small gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head and a broken bottle on the floor.

The wife asked the man, "Do you live here?"

"No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the bottle you see there, freeing me. I am so grateful!" he answered.

The wife asked, "You're a genie?!?"

"Oh, why yes I am. In fact, I am so grateful I will grant you two wishes, and the third I will keep for myself," the man replied.

The husband wished for a scratch handicap for his golf game. The genie nodded his head and said, "Done!"

The wife wished for $100 billion dollars in a swiss bank account. Again the genie nodded his head and said, "Done!"

The genie now said, "For my wish, I would like to make love with your wife. I have not been with a woman for a thousand years!"

The husband and wife thought it over and thought "Oh well, that's not such a bad deal for what we got.."

So the genie and the wife went upstairs, and made love all afternoon. After they had finished the genie asked the wife, "Tell me, how old is your husband?"

To which she replied, "31 years old"

"Amazing," said the genie,"and he still believes in genies?"
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Message 19962 - Posted: 9 Jul 2006, 18:19:55 UTC


A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in
the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter,
do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees
so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit,
or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle
bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands
on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think
my python weally gives a thit."

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Message 20047 - Posted: 11 Jul 2006, 23:12:45 UTC - in response to Message 19962.  

One day, Jesus and St. Peter decide to come down to Earth for a game of golf. So they set down at St. Andrews, get their caddies, and start out.

All the time, Jesus keeps deciding his play on what he thinks Arnold Palmer would do. So part way down the third fairway, it's "Arnold would play an eight iron here." Teeing off from the fifth, he says "Arnold, he'd use a four wood for this."

Needless to say, St Peter starts getting a bit irritated by this.

They finally reach the fourteenth, a par four, with a big water hazard close to the green. Landing short of the green, St. Peter takes a five iron, and neatly chips his ball onto the green, a few yards from the hole.

Jesus looks at his, and after a moment's thought ... "Three iron. Arnold would play a three iron here."

"You're crazy," replies St. Peter, "He'd play a five iron like I did."

"No, he'd play a three iron."

Ten seconds later there's a splash as Jesus' ball lands in the water hazard.

"Oh bother. I'd best go and get that." he says, and promptly walks out across the surface of the water.

While all this has been going on, a group of four have come up behind them. One of the ladies sees Jesus walking on the water, and says in a rather shocked voice "Well, just who does he think he is. Jesus Christ?"

"Oh, he *IS* Jesus Christ," replies St. Peter. "The problem is he *THINKS* he's Arnold Palmer."
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Message 20126 - Posted: 13 Jul 2006, 7:04:08 UTC

Consultant

Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the edge
of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Jeep Cherokee screeches to a
halt
next to him. The driver, a young man dressed in a Brioni suit, Cerrutti
shoes, Ray-Ban glasses, and a YSL tie gets out and asks the sheperd 'If I
guess how many sheep you do have, you give me one of them?'

The shepherd looks at the young man, then looks at the sheep which graze
and says 'All right'. The young man parks the car, connects the notebook
and the mobile, enters a NASA site, scans the ground using his GPS, opens
a data base and 60 Excel tables filled with algorithms, then prints a
150-pages report on his high-tech mini-printer. He then turns to the
shepherd and says 'You have excactly 1586 sheep here'.

The shepherd answers 'That's correct, you can have your sheep'.

The young man takes the sheep and puts in the back of his jeep. The
shepherd looks at him and asks 'If I guess your profession, will you
return my sheep to me?'

The young man answers 'Yes, why not' The shepherd says 'You are an
Andersen consultant!' 'How did you know?' asks the young man. Very
simple,
answers the shepherd 'First, you came here without being called. Second,
you charged me a sheep to tell me something I already knew. Third, you do
not understand anything about what I do, because you actually took my
dog!'
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Message 20157 - Posted: 14 Jul 2006, 4:05:50 UTC

How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one... but the lightbulb has to want to change.
Add this signature to your EMail:
Running Microsoft's "System Idle Process" will never help cure cancer, AIDS nor Alzheimer's. But running Rosetta@home just might!
https://boinc.bakerlab.org/rosetta/
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Message 20217 - Posted: 14 Jul 2006, 22:21:53 UTC

A priest and a rabbi were standing by the side of the road with a sign reading, "THE END IS NEAR! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!"

"Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" a driver yelled, stomping on the gas to crash through the sign, blowing it to pieces.

From around the curve, the two men of God heard screeching tires and a big splash.

The rabbi turns to the priest and asks, "Do you think the next one we make should just say, 'Bridge Out'?"
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Message 20274 - Posted: 15 Jul 2006, 23:19:52 UTC

Government contracting

Three contractors are bidding to fix the White House fence. One from
Chicago, another from Kentucky and the third, Florida. They go with a
White House official to examine the fence.

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring,
then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says. "I figure the
job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100
profit for me."

The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then
says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew
and $100 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to
the White House official and whispers: "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other
guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

"Easy," the Chicagoan explains, "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we
hire the guy from Kentucky."

---
A "local" version of this joke is with looking for test pilots to fly an experimental new aircraft for the 1st time. German pilot asks for $1m to fly it, French pilot $2m and the Greek pilot says to the official "$3million: $1m for you, $1m for me and $1m for the German to fly it".
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Message 20725 - Posted: 20 Jul 2006, 13:42:43 UTC

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it but Nobody realised that Everybody wouldn't do it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.
Wave upon wave of demented avengers march cheerfully out of obscurity into the dream.
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Message 20796 - Posted: 21 Jul 2006, 6:03:40 UTC


Car names are acronyms


AUDI

Accelerates Under Demonic Influence

Always Unsafe Designs Implemented

All Un-informed Drivers Insulted

All Unnecessary Devices Installed

BMW

Big Money Works

Bought My Wife

Brutal Money Waster

BUICK

Big Ugly Indestructable Car Killer

CHEVROLET

Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips

Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time

DODGE

Dumb Old Dirty Gas Eater

Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere

FORD

Fix Or Repair Daily

Found On Road, Dead

Fast Only Rolling Downhill

GM

General Maintenance

GMC

Garage Man's Companion

HONDA

Had One Never Did Again

Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else.

Hated Old Noisy Damaged Auto

HYUNDAI

Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive?

MAZDA

Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along

OLDSMOBILE

Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Every day.

Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment

SAAB

Send Another Automobile Back

TOYOTA

Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto

VOLVO

Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

VW

Virtually Worthless

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Message 20847 - Posted: 21 Jul 2006, 20:14:59 UTC - in response to Message 20796.  

You missed a couple:

DODGE

Dead Or Dying Gerbil Engine

FORD

F***'ed Over Rebuilt Dodge


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Message 20865 - Posted: 22 Jul 2006, 8:48:26 UTC


A man was being interviewed for a job. "Were you in the service?" asks the interviewer.

"Yes, I was a Marine," responded the applicant.

"Did you see any active duty?"

"I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability."

"May I ask what happened?"

"Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles."

"You're hired. You can start Monday at 10 am."

"When does everyone else start? I don't want any preferential treatment because of my disability."

"Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest with you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10. We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first."


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Message 20973 - Posted: 23 Jul 2006, 15:16:18 UTC

The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces.

These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi,Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given ONLY the following facts about terrorists:

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over by Monday.

Join our Great Team at Team-SciFi

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Message 21043 - Posted: 24 Jul 2006, 6:29:23 UTC

HAHAHAAA.
Founder of BOINC GROUP - Objectivists - Philosophically minded rational data crunchers.


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