Message boards : Cafe Rosetta : Joke Thread...
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Dogbytes Send message Joined: 4 Dec 05 Posts: 37 Credit: 207,563 RAC: 0 |
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out", and he leaves. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?" After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a LAWYER! |
Christoph Jansen Send message Joined: 6 Jun 06 Posts: 248 Credit: 267,153 RAC: 0 |
The Chief Rabbi from Boston was an avid golf player. As it turned to be, the weather had been terrible for weeks on end. Then, one Saturday, the sun was shining. The Rabbi had incidentally delegated all his duties for that day to his subordinates. So he actually had a day off and might have gone to play, but it was Saturday and he was prohibited to do so. Then it came to his mind that it was a jewish golf club after all, so nobody would be on the course today. He took a taxi into a little forest near the course, climbed the fence and heaved his gear over it. Then he went to the first tee, laid down his ball and swung. A cracking rumble from above stopped him. A voice called him:"What do you think you are doing there?" - "Ahmm... let's see.... play golf?" - "In violation of my commandment?" - "Oh, well, yes, looks like it... wouldn't be much use to put down the club right now?" - "No, I'm going to punish you anyway." The Rabbi decided that, given that, it was all the same, swung with verve and - scored a hole in one. He frisked up and down the course, happy that he just scored his first hole in one. Then he turned upwards and said: "Punish me? Hah! What a fine punishment! Hole in one! That's not punishment." - "It isn't? Well then, why don't you just go ahead right now and tell all your friends...?" |
John Hunt Send message Joined: 18 Sep 05 Posts: 446 Credit: 200,755 RAC: 0 |
10 Ways to Annoy a Telemarketer 10. When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..." 9. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary. 8. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where she could know you from. 7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends ... would you be my friend?" 6. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. 5. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips 4. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger. 3. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!" Say good by - and Hang up. 2. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your mom?" And first and foremost: 1. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down. But Hey! Try 'em all out! |
Dimitris Hatzopoulos Send message Joined: 5 Jan 06 Posts: 336 Credit: 80,939 RAC: 0 |
Supposedly (per LaughLab international competition) the two most popular jokes: http://www.laughlab.co.uk/winner.html #1 A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?" --- #2 Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." "I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson. "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?" Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!" Best UFO Resources Wikipedia R@h How-To: Join Distributed Computing projects that benefit humanity |
Dimitris Hatzopoulos Send message Joined: 5 Jan 06 Posts: 336 Credit: 80,939 RAC: 0 |
Stockmarket joke A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, stockbroker, of Noo Yawk City." Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the stockbroker, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The stockbroker goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years." Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." "Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a stockbroker-- he gets a silken robe and golden staff but I, a minister, only get a cotton robe and wooden staff? How can this be?" "Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; his clients, they prayed." Best UFO Resources Wikipedia R@h How-To: Join Distributed Computing projects that benefit humanity |
sslickerson Send message Joined: 14 Oct 05 Posts: 101 Credit: 578,497 RAC: 0 |
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers don't react, thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start revving and the airplane starts moving. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly down the runway and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne. Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!" |
John Hunt Send message Joined: 18 Sep 05 Posts: 446 Credit: 200,755 RAC: 0 |
Q. How many perverts does it take to put in a lightbulb? A: Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out. |
BF Send message Joined: 30 Jun 06 Posts: 150 Credit: 615,326 RAC: 0 |
A husband and wife, out enjoying a round of golf, were about to tee off on the third hole, which was lined with beautiful homes. The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice - her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window. Much to her surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces. They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what happened. When they peeked inside the house, they found no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a small gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head and a broken bottle on the floor. The wife asked the man, "Do you live here?" "No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the bottle you see there, freeing me. I am so grateful!" he answered. The wife asked, "You're a genie?!?" "Oh, why yes I am. In fact, I am so grateful I will grant you two wishes, and the third I will keep for myself," the man replied. The husband wished for a scratch handicap for his golf game. The genie nodded his head and said, "Done!" The wife wished for $100 billion dollars in a swiss bank account. Again the genie nodded his head and said, "Done!" The genie now said, "For my wish, I would like to make love with your wife. I have not been with a woman for a thousand years!" The husband and wife thought it over and thought "Oh well, that's not such a bad deal for what we got.." So the genie and the wife went upstairs, and made love all afternoon. After they had finished the genie asked the wife, "Tell me, how old is your husband?" To which she replied, "31 years old" "Amazing," said the genie,"and he still believes in genies?" |
John Hunt Send message Joined: 18 Sep 05 Posts: 446 Credit: 200,755 RAC: 0 |
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?" She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit." |
dgnuff Send message Joined: 1 Nov 05 Posts: 350 Credit: 24,773,605 RAC: 0 |
One day, Jesus and St. Peter decide to come down to Earth for a game of golf. So they set down at St. Andrews, get their caddies, and start out. All the time, Jesus keeps deciding his play on what he thinks Arnold Palmer would do. So part way down the third fairway, it's "Arnold would play an eight iron here." Teeing off from the fifth, he says "Arnold, he'd use a four wood for this." Needless to say, St Peter starts getting a bit irritated by this. They finally reach the fourteenth, a par four, with a big water hazard close to the green. Landing short of the green, St. Peter takes a five iron, and neatly chips his ball onto the green, a few yards from the hole. Jesus looks at his, and after a moment's thought ... "Three iron. Arnold would play a three iron here." "You're crazy," replies St. Peter, "He'd play a five iron like I did." "No, he'd play a three iron." Ten seconds later there's a splash as Jesus' ball lands in the water hazard. "Oh bother. I'd best go and get that." he says, and promptly walks out across the surface of the water. While all this has been going on, a group of four have come up behind them. One of the ladies sees Jesus walking on the water, and says in a rather shocked voice "Well, just who does he think he is. Jesus Christ?" "Oh, he *IS* Jesus Christ," replies St. Peter. "The problem is he *THINKS* he's Arnold Palmer." |
Ubaida Send message Joined: 9 Jun 06 Posts: 3 Credit: 206,886 RAC: 0 |
Consultant Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the edge of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Jeep Cherokee screeches to a halt next to him. The driver, a young man dressed in a Brioni suit, Cerrutti shoes, Ray-Ban glasses, and a YSL tie gets out and asks the sheperd 'If I guess how many sheep you do have, you give me one of them?' The shepherd looks at the young man, then looks at the sheep which graze and says 'All right'. The young man parks the car, connects the notebook and the mobile, enters a NASA site, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a data base and 60 Excel tables filled with algorithms, then prints a 150-pages report on his high-tech mini-printer. He then turns to the shepherd and says 'You have excactly 1586 sheep here'. The shepherd answers 'That's correct, you can have your sheep'. The young man takes the sheep and puts in the back of his jeep. The shepherd looks at him and asks 'If I guess your profession, will you return my sheep to me?' The young man answers 'Yes, why not' The shepherd says 'You are an Andersen consultant!' 'How did you know?' asks the young man. Very simple, answers the shepherd 'First, you came here without being called. Second, you charged me a sheep to tell me something I already knew. Third, you do not understand anything about what I do, because you actually took my dog!' |
Feet1st Send message Joined: 30 Dec 05 Posts: 1755 Credit: 4,690,520 RAC: 0 |
How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one... but the lightbulb has to want to change. Add this signature to your EMail: Running Microsoft's "System Idle Process" will never help cure cancer, AIDS nor Alzheimer's. But running Rosetta@home just might! https://boinc.bakerlab.org/rosetta/ |
Dimitris Hatzopoulos Send message Joined: 5 Jan 06 Posts: 336 Credit: 80,939 RAC: 0 |
A priest and a rabbi were standing by the side of the road with a sign reading, "THE END IS NEAR! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" a driver yelled, stomping on the gas to crash through the sign, blowing it to pieces. From around the curve, the two men of God heard screeching tires and a big splash. The rabbi turns to the priest and asks, "Do you think the next one we make should just say, 'Bridge Out'?" Best UFO Resources Wikipedia R@h How-To: Join Distributed Computing projects that benefit humanity |
Dimitris Hatzopoulos Send message Joined: 5 Jan 06 Posts: 336 Credit: 80,939 RAC: 0 |
Government contracting Three contractors are bidding to fix the White House fence. One from Chicago, another from Kentucky and the third, Florida. They go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says. "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers: "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" "Easy," the Chicagoan explains, "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire the guy from Kentucky." --- A "local" version of this joke is with looking for test pilots to fly an experimental new aircraft for the 1st time. German pilot asks for $1m to fly it, French pilot $2m and the Greek pilot says to the official "$3million: $1m for you, $1m for me and $1m for the German to fly it". Best UFO Resources Wikipedia R@h How-To: Join Distributed Computing projects that benefit humanity |
adrianxw Send message Joined: 18 Sep 05 Posts: 653 Credit: 11,822,954 RAC: 1,695 |
This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it but Nobody realised that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done. Wave upon wave of demented avengers march cheerfully out of obscurity into the dream. |
John Hunt Send message Joined: 18 Sep 05 Posts: 446 Credit: 200,755 RAC: 0 |
Car names are acronyms AUDI Accelerates Under Demonic Influence Always Unsafe Designs Implemented All Un-informed Drivers Insulted All Unnecessary Devices Installed BMW Big Money Works Bought My Wife Brutal Money Waster BUICK Big Ugly Indestructable Car Killer CHEVROLET Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time DODGE Dumb Old Dirty Gas Eater Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere FORD Fix Or Repair Daily Found On Road, Dead Fast Only Rolling Downhill GM General Maintenance GMC Garage Man's Companion HONDA Had One Never Did Again Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else. Hated Old Noisy Damaged Auto HYUNDAI Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive? MAZDA Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along OLDSMOBILE Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Every day. Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment SAAB Send Another Automobile Back TOYOTA Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto VOLVO Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object VW Virtually Worthless |
dgnuff Send message Joined: 1 Nov 05 Posts: 350 Credit: 24,773,605 RAC: 0 |
You missed a couple: DODGE Dead Or Dying Gerbil Engine FORD F***'ed Over Rebuilt Dodge |
John Hunt Send message Joined: 18 Sep 05 Posts: 446 Credit: 200,755 RAC: 0 |
A man was being interviewed for a job. "Were you in the service?" asks the interviewer. "Yes, I was a Marine," responded the applicant. "Did you see any active duty?" "I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability." "May I ask what happened?" "Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles." "You're hired. You can start Monday at 10 am." "When does everyone else start? I don't want any preferential treatment because of my disability." "Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest with you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10. We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first." |
Bob Bowen Send message Joined: 22 Mar 06 Posts: 14 Credit: 6,155,041 RAC: 2 |
The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces. These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi,Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given ONLY the following facts about terrorists: 1. The season opened today. 2. There is no limit. 3. They taste just like chicken. 4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus. 5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt. The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over by Monday. Join our Great Team at Team-SciFi |
R/B Send message Joined: 8 Dec 05 Posts: 195 Credit: 28,095 RAC: 0 |
HAHAHAAA. Founder of BOINC GROUP - Objectivists - Philosophically minded rational data crunchers. |
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